High Expectations

This post has been in my drafts for almost two weeks and only now when it's properly arranged I can post it. This semester at uni is just so much pressure so that I can't be bothered even to stop and think about the exact moment I'm living in. This post will be concentrated around the topic of high expectations.

Some psychologists say that the toughest years of your life are the ones of teenagehood. I wish I could agree. For me, the hardest and life-changing years are those of early twenties. It's felt more evident when you are at your final year at university and it seems as if you are gradually whilst coming closer to the graduation falling into the deepest, darkest hole of unknown. You are still undecided what you want to do in life (even though your relatives are absolutely sure that you are an adult now and are stable in your choices), you're trying to hide yourself behind those idealistic thoughts of perfect life or creating in your mind a set of falures that you're gonna make.

I am by far not an exception. I'm facing the same fears every single day and this kind of fear's become something of a habit. I find myself struggling while even thinking about my future profession. But wait! Some people might say: "You're majoring in teacing. Why struggle then?" The answer is that I'm not sure that I want to spend the rest of my life teaching children at a school where my salary would be lower than one of the cleaners'. I need to further my language studies. I feel like our public school education system is in lack of good qualified teachers although it's non of their fault. 

First of all, I'd love to see the world, to get my own experience to be able to tell my students about it, to motivate them to study foreign languages. Right now I'm like those teachers who don't have any teaching aim. But I couldn't imagine a person having no aim in life whatsoever. Unfortunately, at this exact moment this person is me. I still have some options, nonetheless. I should just try to choose the one I need the most. And that's the hardest choice because after graduation I'd be like thrown away into the ocean, waves covering me gently or roughly depending on the situation I'd be going through. 

Secondly, I've never wanted to settle down. I want to have my freedom, all of it if it's possible. I want to move to a new flat, have a fresh start maybe even move to another country for a couple of years and then go back home because homesickness is unbearable. 

Thirdly, my main problem in life is that I always have high expectations of everything that is to happen: when I'm meeting a friend after a long time not seeing, when I'm trying to predict future events, when I'm organising something of a festive manner etc etc etc. If I depict those events in my head as ones that are going to pass really well, in reality in the end I always-always find myself sitting in ruins whether those ruins are actual or mental.   

Nevertheless, all the things I described above might be only some remote problems of the ones that students in their twenties face nowadays. I think that the most useful thing to do will be to write down your ideas and solutions and maybe stick to them for a while. My stepfather always says that at the end of each new phase/stage of life there are choices that you might not see at the exact moment but you'll have them all when you reach the end of the phase/stage you are now in.

Love, Christina M.