Common Misunderstanding

In my age when everybody is getting married and raving about kids either theirs or not, I'm sitting in my pajamas and playing some video games. I can't really fully comprehend why I need to get married  or immediately start thinking about having children because soon I will become too old and just won't be able to have any. Bullshit! With these technologies that we have now there are so many opportunities for lots and lots of couples to have kids and there's always an option of adopting a child.

Why am I writing all this you may ask? Recently, I have been struggling with some misunderstanding from my parents' side. My mum and my grandparents are absolutely convinced that a girl can only live with a guy in the same flat after getting through a process of marriage, which to me seems like a crazy thing in our modern world. Obviously, this is what a traditional outlook on marriage and love in general looks like and I honestly tried to understand that, but it just disagrees with my principles, with the way I see things to the extent that I sometimes want to isolate myself from these people who are actually the dearest to me.

In my point of view not getting married is absolutely fine now. A lot of people do that and a lot of people benefit from it. Firstly, it is a great way to check whether you and your partner have similar outlook on life and whether you both are able to reach a compromise on different mundane and routine things. Secondly, you won't have to go through a process of a divorce (and all that paperwork) if things go wrong, you just continue to exist separate ways. Lastly, you can lead a happy lifestyle just living together without any obligations to have kids which would have happened if you were married cos parents (and not only them) would keep asking you when you were planning to have a child and better soon! (A disclaimer: I'm absolutely not against having children but I believe that there is always its time for it)

So, what I'm trying to say here is that we should all have a choice and live our lives as we want it sometimes even having contradictions with our nearest and dearest. Don't let others stop your love from shining.

Love, Christina M. 

Graduation! WOOP-WOOP!

Two weeks ago I graduated from university. Now I've got only a few photos of the moments of that 5-year studies. It is unbelievable! I am sure I'm going to miss my uni-friends and teachers. I cannot get rid of the thought that I don't have to go anywhere on the 1st of September. I have no rigid plans or rules or duties to perform. Nothing. And that is sad at the same time. It feels like the whole era's ended... and now it's time we hopped on the last train to our happy adulthood.

When the official graduation ceremony was over, we went to a cafe that was close to the embankment. The cafe wasn't that nice to be honest. The interior design was fancy but the food and the music choice weren't. I guess, our groupmates and I would have enjoyed a more intimate atmosphere which other cafes provided. Anyway, after the dinner we went for a walk along the embankment till late in the evening. The fun part was when the storm started... It was raining heavily and we were running in search of a shelter that we finally found in a shop where Ann met her potential boyfriend who later 'stalked' her on social media.   

Then Ann and I took a taxi and went to Ann's place where we, tucked in bed, started to watch a film but fell asleep :) 

Maybe it wasn't the perfect day but it was fun and I truly enjoyed it. 

Here are some few bits of the day. 

 

Love, Christina M.

Neugier

Time passes so quickly and now it's come to the point when I am unemployed  and have no plans for the near future whatsoever. 

Of course, I knew that I was going to struggle what to do in life BUT right now what I really need (except for oxygen) is to have a good rest before jumping into 'the world of adulthood and taxes payment'. 

Next week I'm graduating from my uni but I still can't believe that I've made it that far! During my studies I often used to moan about the amount of homework we had vs limited time. Now I finally have time to do anything I want to and what is more, I have no shame lying in bed till 12 or playing Candy Crush all day long. 

For the past few days I have come across some situations in life in which my anger went from 0 till 100 (on the scale of anger). My neighbours are constantly getting on my nerves 'advising' me what to do in life saying that working at school isn't for me (how the hell you've figured it out? We barely even see each other!) or advising me to get married ASAP (wth!) because 'you shouldn't waste your time because in a few years it will be hard for you to find a lifepartner' (I am only 21 by the way) and all that jazz. 

All of this is funny to hear and I clearly understand where it stems from. But the only thing that I wanted to tell them (but didn't) is the following - This is my life and I did not ask for your advice so don't even bother telling me anything because I am just not gonna listen. I need to decide for myself what I want and when I want it. If I needed a piece of advice, I would turn to my friends or family members for it, not you. But thank you for your concern anyway. - And this would be a fair answer to their 'expatiaions' and there would definitely be no further questions.       

Except for these annoying situations, my life is going alright. I've passed all exams with flying colours and have successfully defended my thesis so now I absolutely deserve some rest (even if my rest looks like IELTS preparation or DaF Vorbereitung). 

I wish you all have nice holidays and live the way YOU want!     

Love, Christina M.  

When All Falls Down

There are some days when you feel like there is no way out, when everything you do is just useless and there is no one who can help you out. Lately I've been feeling anxious and frustrated even though I clearly understand that this self-distuction is not a good thing at all. I've lost everything: a house, a friend, faith in myself, self-control and confidence. I tried everything. Well, at least I thought so. Unfortunately, there is only one thing that helps me out all the time. It is self-distraction. There should be something that you enjoy doing or something that you have to do. Just try to occupy yourself with it from morning till evening. People say that time heels all the pain but it doesn't work if you're constantly thinking about your problems. Problems can devour you, they can eat your soul up. I know it's not some kind of a new method or a great discovery. It's just a quick reminder for myself and for anyone who feels a bit down to keep yourself busy.

Believe me, moaning and crying never help. If you can't influence the way of things, there's no need for you to be nervous about them. If you have the solution in mind, just make it real! Even though it is sometimes hard to do so or just seems impossible to do so. But it's not. These barriers are only in your head. Clue to a happy life is being relaxed and conscious of things going on. And by 'conscious' I mean 'realizing what you need and are to do, having a goal to achieve and trying to exceed your grasp'. I hope all of your problems are on the way to be vanished! ;)

Love, Christina M. 

A Fresh Start

I wanted to write something motivating, out of the blue extraordinary but I think today's post is not the case. As any other human being on this planet I tend to look forward to what this year holds for me. I'm going to make a list of goals that I'm setting to accomplish by the end of this year:

1. To be more confident and less dependent on other people's lives. I am always the one who compromises a lot. I think I should stick to my own preferences and be the one to make a decision in the end. 
2. To go out more. Either just to hangout with friends or to go somewhere(museums, parks, art galleries) on my own. The aim of that is to enjoy time, to live the moment I live in. 
3. To write more and finish the story I've been writing for three months already. If I had a chance, I'd really like to publish my stories, maybe they'll be of any interest to someone to whom reading seems to be generally appealing. 
4. To say 'yes' to more opportunities that come across my way. Usually, it takes time for me to ponder over the things my friends suggest me to do. I want to be more flexible and more like a 'yes-girl' other than 'no-I-can't-decide-in-such-short-time-limit-kind-of-person'. 
5. To work out a time schedule according to which I'll be dedicating my time to learning languages & it shouldn't be a rigid timetable but a regular one. 
6. To let myself be free of judgment. Every choice a person makes is right because it's his/her own one. It's a strange concept but if you think really deeply you'll understand that it's true. 
7. To stop thinking about the past and chances that I failed to take. No explanation needed. 
8. To make dreams come true, be my own wishing factory. Think. Create. Enjoy. 

Once I told a guy that I'd come even though there were thousands of miles ahead. And so I did. Distance makes no big deal. But the chances you take do.

Happy New Year!

Christina M.     

December Recollections

Oh, December, why so inevitably fast?
Not much happened this month but still it was full of quality time spent with my friends and family. I went to see 'Interstellar' with a friend of mine and we both enjoyed it to all our hearts' content. I actually like the concept of the world's existence shared in the film, it might be true. Well, at least it made me think of it for good 2 weeks after seeing it. Anyway, the film is worth seeing especially if you, like me, torment your friends asking why? who? and what for? questions trying to figure out what is the main point of human being existance on this planet.
This month as all three previous ones I've been trying to prepare myself for IELTS. I took one sample test at home concerning Listening and Reading ( the sections that I can actually take on my own and correct the mistakes I made) and I got something around 7.0 for Listening and 7.5 for Reading. I don't know how much effort I should put into preparation to get at least 8.0 in all the sections. I was thinking of getting help from a tutor and maybe it's a good idea. Well, I'll soon see.
I don't remember mentioning that I'm writing a short story which is almost autobiographical and I can hardly imagine even putting it online or showing it to my closest friends. It deals with commiting feelings to the paper and letting everybody know what you really feel inside. It scares me a lot. Even a scarce thought of it. I'd once promised to myself that I'd never regret anything that happened in my life but I broke my promise the very day I couldn't properly express my feelings and was trying to subdue them when it was the first and the last time I was able to tell the truth. So, I missed it.
I don't want to end this blogpost on such a sad note. I'd rather tell you something different. Tomorrow my university friends and I are going to celebrate Christmas and pre-New Year and I am really looking forward to that as it's probably the last pre-New Year we're spending together. There's going to be lots of champagne, sushi, cakes, smiles and laughter.
Merry belated Christmas and Happy New Year, let your wishes be fulfilled by that effort you put into them coming true.

Love, Christina M.               

High Expectations

This post has been in my drafts for almost two weeks and only now when it's properly arranged I can post it. This semester at uni is just so much pressure so that I can't be bothered even to stop and think about the exact moment I'm living in. This post will be concentrated around the topic of high expectations.

Some psychologists say that the toughest years of your life are the ones of teenagehood. I wish I could agree. For me, the hardest and life-changing years are those of early twenties. It's felt more evident when you are at your final year at university and it seems as if you are gradually whilst coming closer to the graduation falling into the deepest, darkest hole of unknown. You are still undecided what you want to do in life (even though your relatives are absolutely sure that you are an adult now and are stable in your choices), you're trying to hide yourself behind those idealistic thoughts of perfect life or creating in your mind a set of falures that you're gonna make.

I am by far not an exception. I'm facing the same fears every single day and this kind of fear's become something of a habit. I find myself struggling while even thinking about my future profession. But wait! Some people might say: "You're majoring in teacing. Why struggle then?" The answer is that I'm not sure that I want to spend the rest of my life teaching children at a school where my salary would be lower than one of the cleaners'. I need to further my language studies. I feel like our public school education system is in lack of good qualified teachers although it's non of their fault. 

First of all, I'd love to see the world, to get my own experience to be able to tell my students about it, to motivate them to study foreign languages. Right now I'm like those teachers who don't have any teaching aim. But I couldn't imagine a person having no aim in life whatsoever. Unfortunately, at this exact moment this person is me. I still have some options, nonetheless. I should just try to choose the one I need the most. And that's the hardest choice because after graduation I'd be like thrown away into the ocean, waves covering me gently or roughly depending on the situation I'd be going through. 

Secondly, I've never wanted to settle down. I want to have my freedom, all of it if it's possible. I want to move to a new flat, have a fresh start maybe even move to another country for a couple of years and then go back home because homesickness is unbearable. 

Thirdly, my main problem in life is that I always have high expectations of everything that is to happen: when I'm meeting a friend after a long time not seeing, when I'm trying to predict future events, when I'm organising something of a festive manner etc etc etc. If I depict those events in my head as ones that are going to pass really well, in reality in the end I always-always find myself sitting in ruins whether those ruins are actual or mental.   

Nevertheless, all the things I described above might be only some remote problems of the ones that students in their twenties face nowadays. I think that the most useful thing to do will be to write down your ideas and solutions and maybe stick to them for a while. My stepfather always says that at the end of each new phase/stage of life there are choices that you might not see at the exact moment but you'll have them all when you reach the end of the phase/stage you are now in.

Love, Christina M.